1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for wealth is what matters.
4 Blessed are they who stop mourning: for they have learned to comfort themselves.
5 Blessed are the rich: for they control the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst: for they work for low wages.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they are easy to con.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall care for the poor.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they enable free trade.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted: for wealth goes to the fittest.
11 ¶Blessed are ye, when ye revile them, and persecute them, and shall say all manner of evil against them falsely:
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for the end justifies the means, and the election must be won at all costs.
13 Ye are the voters of the earth: but if the voter has lost his anger, wherewith shall elections be rigged? they are thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast into other districts, and made moot.
14 ¶Think not that I am come to destroy the government, or the laws: I am not come to destroy, but to control.
15 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one bill or one budget shall in no wise pass, till all be ours.
16 ¶Whosoever poor among you shall break one of the least of my laws, he shall be convicted without representation.
17 For I say unto you, That except your wealth shall exceed the wealth of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case escape imprisonment.
18 ¶Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
19 But I say unto you, That whosoever fears the black man, without cause, shall kill the black man.
20 Therefore if thou bringest thy white privilege, go they way.
21 But I say unto you, whosoever cometh without white privilege, the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
22 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence.
23 ¶Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt commit adultery if ye not be caught.
24 I also say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her is a wise judge of her value.
25 And if thy wife offend thee, cast her out: for it is profitable for thee that thy mistress should remain with thee.
26 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
27 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, and has not a prenuptial agreement protecting his wealth, will be thrust down to hell.
28 ¶Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit thyself on paper, but shalt perform thine oaths unrecorded, for they are easier to deny.
29 Let your communication be without record: for whatsoever is more than this becometh evidence.
30 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
31 But I say unto you: whosoever shall smite thee, smite him an hundredfold in return.
32 And if any man will offend thee, sue to take away his coat, and his cloak, and his house also.
33 Give not to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn thou away.
34 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
35 But I say unto you, Hate the liberals, bless them who donate to conservatives, vilify those that hate you, and shame them that disagree with you;
36 That ye may be the children of the special interests who rule over you: for they maketh the oil and gas come from the ground, and sendeth gasoline to your car, and rain acid on the forests and acidify the oceans.
37 For if ye love only them which love you, what a reward have ye! Do as Republicans say.
38 And salute ye your Conservative brethren only, for what have ye to do with the others?
39 Be ye therefore gullible, even as your candidate that seeketh Washington needs you to be gullible.